I may regret posting this publicly, but hopefully not. While
this is definitely influenced by a recent posting from a family member, it is
not the first time these concepts have passed through the grey matter inside my
head, nor is it the first time I’ve considered writing about it. So while that
may have triggered this, it is not really in response to it. And this is not
meant to be driven by an agenda, but a sincere plea to help
understanding—possibly even just to maintain my sanity, which has been in a
severe state of risk lately.
Apparently the media has dubbed the current generation
“millenials”, whether this is a positive or negative label, I have no idea, but
since it’s convenient, I’ll use it. Though not unique to this generation, a
certain trend is spotlighted and possibly catalyzed by the widespread use of
social media by millenials. That trend involves the mutation of word usage to a
new paradigm of understanding and context that previously did not exist. Word
definition mutation is not new, but I do believe the rate of change has
accelerated. 2 examples first before moving to the word of most interest to
me.
Number one: “single”. For as long as I can remember this
word has normally meant “not married”. Since the advent of Facebook, or
possibly even previously, this word has gained a context that as far as I know,
it did not have before. At least among the millenials I know, it means “not in
a relationship”. Perhaps this is driven by the relationship choices available
in Facebook, perhaps not. It appears that those Facebook options are considered
mutually exclusive by millenials, or in other words, only one of the options can
possibly be correct. If you select any one option, you cannot be any of the
others. So if you select that you are “in a relationship”, by Facebook
definition, you are not “single”. I’ve found that when discussing “single” with
millenials, this is the only definition which is understood, so I’ve had to
adapt or risk miscommunication. And it’s this miscommunication that really is
at the heart of the matter.
Number two: “dating”. Again, for as long as I can remember,
this normally referred to the physical act of two people getting together for a
single prearranged appointment. Asking someone on a date implied a single
appointment and nothing more. In specific contexts, the word could take on
additional meaning, e.g. “Bob and Sue are dating”, which does imply more of an exclusive
relationship. From interactions that I have had with millenials, the meaning of
“date” now implies exclusivity at all times.
I may not have the definition of these 2 words as used by
millenials correct, and that incorrectness simply highlights the problem. The
definition of some words is changing rapidly, the older generations may not be
aware that this is happening, and the millenials may not be aware that the words
ever had any other meaning or definition. This may not be the only contributor
to the “generation gap” that has always existed between the young and those that
came before, but it is a significant one.
I offer apologies for the number of words taken in laying the
groundwork for a very complex and difficult topic. On to the word. Judge. “Don’t judge me.”
“Don’t be judgmental.” This is where I hope I’m taken sincerely. What is it
that I’m being asked not to do when these statements are directed at me? What
definition is in mind? The reference I’m looking at right now shows the word
“judge” to have originated in the 13 century, with a pretty straightforward
definition, “to form an opinion about”.
I’m at a loss here. I don’t know how to not form opinions
about people. I question the viability of the attempt to not form opinions, I’m
not sure that it can be done. Understanding that this is a very complex
subject, I start with a relatively simple example (even though it has its own
complexities).
Suppose I repeatedly observe a person get drunk and drive a
vehicle in a state of intoxication. What can I judge about this individual, and
what actions should I take? I judge this individual to be a danger to
themselves and to others. That judgment is based on the observance of the
multitude of roadside monuments alongside the highways built in remembrance by
those who lost loved ones. Those observances, coupled with education, medical
science, media attention, and other sources have informed my opinion, my
judgment.
My judgment is based on a combination of education and
experience. Is this wrong? Is it wrong to judge that that individual should be
deprived of their driving privileges? I would agree that I would be wrong to
judge that person as a bad individual, accuse them of evil motives, or form an
opinion of their life, for I don’t know the cause of their behavior. They may
have suffered abuse, loss, grief, depression, anxiety, or any other of many
factors. I don’t know their history. Yet, if continuing current behavior risks
infringing the rights of others around them, must I not act even while lacking
full understanding? If I do not act am I not actually choosing that my desire
to not judge an individual prevails over the rights of others? In this case not
acting is a choice, is it not? I must judge, mustn’t I?
Another example, more personal this time. Growing up, a
friend of mine was pretty heavily into dropping acid. We took Physics,
Chemistry, Calculus, German, and other classes together. I did well, he did
well. For someone taking LSD regularly, he was remarkably capable, he joked
that he did better on exams when he was wasted. I did not judge him, given that
at the time my experience and education was not sufficient to fully understand
the risks and possibilities. He was functioning, succeeding, it was no big
deal. At my 10 year reunion I found out that he had hit rock bottom, discovered
ultimately what the continued abuse was doing to his mind and body and he
determined to stop. He found medical professionals to assist; he found a
religion to help. He took medications to combat the physical pain; he went to
counseling to combat the mental strain. But the pain and strain were not
abated, and there was no indication that they could ever be completely
relieved. Sadly, he had taken his own life sometime before that
reunion.
I will grant that sometimes our education and experience is
misguided and misinformed. Society is constantly adapting to new information,
and the process takes time—sometimes (perhaps many times) with unfortunate
consequences. All of us are continuously learning and growing and occasionally discovering we
are flat out wrong about some ideas and opinions while others become more firmly
cemented. Our civilization is built on opinions and judgments. The
constitutions that make up the foundation of many nations are nothing more than
judgments and opinions. They are however based on years of the historical study
of human interaction—experience and education. That does not make them perfect
judgments or opinions, but neither can they be discounted entirely. Sometimes that is what the older generations may represent, not perfection, but wisdom and experience that should not be discounted lightly.
I feel like that sometimes. I’m told I’m judgmental, especially by millenials. I believe
I’m being told that in order to be a good person, I must not judge. And
again I must ask, what am I specifically being asked not to do? Please define what you mean by
that, since I (and others of different generations) may have a different understanding. If it means don’t judge
another’s intrinsic value, or don’t judge another’s relationship with God, then I’m okay. I
try not to, though I will not always succeed. If I’m being asked to put aside
my experience, put aside my education, ignore the pain and unhappiness that I
believe I see in another’s future—I don’t know if I can. I may be wrong, it’s
happened before, it will happen again. But realize that asking me to not form an opinion, to ignore it,
to let it be, to not say anything, to not act—realize that that is going to
destroy me, for it hurts too much.
